I dont really know how to feel.
Ive hardly slept.
Ive been on a massive high the past week, shopping, clubbing, partying, getting drunk, not needing to sleep. not being able to sit still. But I felt amazing with it, almost like I was on Ecstacy constantly, well what I would assume is like E.
Yesterday I said to myself – Im going to do this, Im going to get better, I dont deserve to be hurting over the things that have happened to me in my past, I dont deserve to be ill, Im not going to self harm or overdose ever again, Im not going to run away again Im going to stay positive and that I knew I would have bad days, but I would get through them. It felt magical. But I believed it!
Then I went out again last night with mates, and I started to feel rocky when it got to 2am, I felt a bit violent and angry and I didnt no what to do with that, some guy then starts bumping into my mate on purpose and shes on crutches so I turned round and kept pushing him until he left her alone, it was almost like the fight for survival. Then things go even more weirder and some guys kept trying to attract my attention to go over and see them, obviously I refused, Im not in this world to be drooled over, then this other guy says to my friend hell give her £10 if she gets me to dance dirty for him! I mean WHAT THE FUCK!! So I picked up a glass bottle which got taken off me, by bouncers, then my friends started to be concerned, and we left, then I picked up another bottle and they got a taxi home, So I just sit on a bench round the corner with a glass bottle by this time it was like 4am, some guy came up to me, and kept asking me to go with him, and that I could work for him, and I was a really beuatiful girl! So now I was being asked to be a prostitue for someone and if it wasnt for three other guys coming over and scaring him off, I get the feeling I would have been raped again? Because I couldnt move, I couldnt speak, I just froze with a fucking glass bottle in my hand. These 3 guys then got the police, and becuasse I had a glass bottle (weapon) it was armed response police so then I shit myself because they got guns! But they were really nice, he kept trying to talk to me (the police officer) I kept crying and shaking at the same time and he was trying to calm me down, and eventually I got in his car where he took me to the police station and I spoke to a female officer that was a complete wank stain! She was like I recognise your name, then she said something really innapropriate but I couldnt be bothered because it was 5am and I was tired and warn out and confused.
Im confused at how, all my life, men have abused me, raped me, men to me, all they want is one thing, and it nearlly happened again, but yet 3 guys practically saved me from that happening last night!
And why the fuck did I freeze infront of a guy that wanted to sell me, but yet that guy earlier in the night I kept pushing him, I dont get myself, unless it was the aclohol, because I am never ever violent, never have been!!
Now Im just sitting in my room, on the floor, with my blinds closed in the dark not wanting to move, not wanting to exist, feeling used and dirty, and hopeless of life, tired and looking as white as a ghost.
I dont know what to do apart from slit my wrists.
Yes you can all tell me what a slag I am now, but I needed to get that out. And seriously why if my friends were real friends did they leave me in that state on my own? She knows me, she knows what Im like, what I do what Im scared off, and she left.
Im trying to cope with the fact that I nearlly got raped again last night and no one acually gives a shit or thinks its a big deal. because it probably seems really petty.
I want Mel right now – she would understand and help me. She would get me out of this thought process. She always says the right thing, she knows what its like, shes been there.
So what the fuck do I do now??