Burns

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Well it’s been 4 months of seeing the nurse for my burns, I was seeing her three times a week, and today I had my last appointment, as the burns are all nearly healed now. Is it weird that I don’t know how to feel about that? I can’t believe it was bad enough to take 4 months to heal, and I kind of had ongoing support whilst she was dealing with my burns, and no I’m alone again. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy they have healed, but I feel like that means I have emotionally healed,when I am far from that.

She did say to me before I left that, if I get the urge to buy the stuff that burnt me again, to pop in and we’ll have a coffee and a chat, which is nice.

I had bloods taken today also as my GP suspect to I have fibromyalgia and so has referred me to a specialist. I’m not sure how I feel about having another diagnosis, it stresses me out. I’m glad I know what’s wrong and have such a wonderful GP, I’m lucky really!

Memes and such

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I feel like my life currently is just a bunch of memes that I come across online. I see one and save it because my Brian is like, well…. that’s me, so I need to save this meme!

I’ve really been isolating myself of late. Haven’t really left the house and when I have I feel like someone is going to hurt me, someone is out to get me and people always hurt me so why wouldn’t they anyway! These thoughts aren’t helping me leave the house.

Obviously because I haven’t been out, I have not been volunteering, they don’t care about me anyway, I haven’t contacted them for two weeks straight, and they haven’t said a word. They normally do, and it’s weird because I’m suicidal and my brain is taking the fact that they haven’t contacted me as hey don’t care and they want you dead and they were just using you because of your perfectionism. Now I feel like they are out to get me! Considering they were the one stable thing I had in my life, it’s making it really difficult and I feel like I have nothing.

I don’t even know who I am anymore, I don’t know if I’m even real, I’m stuck in a parallel universe just waiting. I don’t know what for.

What is this feeling?

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So infuriating! I just wrote a really long post and then it somehow just deleted itself and so now I am here again having to remember what I typed and do it again! I am so stupid, I must have clicked the back button or something!

I was just reading back through my old entries, since it had been a while before I started writing here again, I forgot how useful it can be, to just write everything out! Anyway….It seems strange that even though I feel really rubbish right now, I am much more forward than I was back in 2012. I’m not that same person anymore.

But I am still going to complain about how bad I feel because I am struggling to cope with. Understand it? Deal with it? Its too difficult!

I haven’t left my flat in days, accept for when I saw my friend the other day to give her, her birthday presents. I played with her kitten. Whilst it was nice to see her, it was in itself anxiety provoking, because my sat nav took me a route I hadn’t been before, and the roads were really blinded, sharp corners, the middle of no where, and the sun was shining in my eyes, even with my sunglasses, so I couldn’t see properly and it made me panic a little bit. As much as I love her, I was glad to get home and hide in my bed. It was good seeing her though, she is like my sister, so we had a catch up, played with the kitten, she opened one of her presents that I got her, because I wanted to see her face when she opened it! Its the most expensive present I have ever bought anyone! Tickets to see Little Mix! Exciting! But as soon as I got home I jumped straight into bed, and put my fan on, and my lava lamp on, and watched some TV with my cats.

Then this morning I had to go out as I had a dentist appointment, but my anxiety was still extremely bad to the point where I didn’t even feel real. I’m usually OK with my dentist, because she knows about my anxiety and issues and shes usually very good with me, but I was told that she had left and that I had to see someone else, so that was a shock as I don’t like change and surprises. But she was nice, and I think I liked her even though she told me I need two fillings!

Then I quickly popped to Morrison’s because I had no toilet paper! The joys of being a dysfunctional adult, I’m normally pretty good with those things I never really run out of anything, I just don’t know whats wrong with me at the moment.

Its this weird alien inside me, it feels like its niggling and ripping open my chest whilst I scream into a black abyss. I thought it was anxiety or maybe agitation, I don’t know. But I literally cant do anything, I don’t want to go outside, I just want to stay in my flat, where its safe, I can motivate myself to do anything proactive or productive, I cant distract myself, so I am just sitting here trying to figure out what and where it wrong. What bought this on. Why don’t I understand it. Why don’t I know what it is called?

Does anyone know??

Waiting

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I hate that anxiety you feel whilst in a waiting room, waiting to see a nurse for buen dressings and I’m always paranoid about what they are going to do or say. I had a bad experience on many occasions when I was younger and I guess that’s left me with a lifelong paranoia of the situation!

Plus it’s going to be painful, burn dressing changes always are! But it’s my own fault. I did it to myself.

I’ve written a little note to give to the nurse so I don’t have to speak and it basically says what’s going on and how I feel and that I’m sorry for wasting her time with me needing dressings.

No Similarity

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Ive been feeling really down the past few days, no one really knows, a collusive I work with has a vague idea, but she just says, you’ll get through it you always do, and that if I was suicidal I wouldn’t tell her (which I did, in a vague kind of way) she’s a counsellor and so it’s kind of frustrating that she said that to me.

Yes I’ve got through it before, I always fight, but I’ve never bought the item that I have to help me destroy myself, to rid myself of the dirty ness, to be sterile and perfect like the day of birth. I’ve bought a lot of things off the internet over the years to help destroy myself, but never this. Never so much research, interest, reviewing. I know it works for what I want it to do.

I’m not sure I’m suicidal, but rather desperate to rid myself of trauma, past, uncleanliness, brains, amygdala, hippocampus etc.

Literally the past two days I’ve gone to bed so early…then the next depressing day comes and I count down the hours until I can go to bed…and then the same. All the while I’m fixating on the fact that I have to put on my mask soon, Wednesday, working with vulnerable people means you can’t be vulnerable yourself, so my professional mask comes out, I’m usually pretty good at it or I don’t need it all, but I feel this week maybe shaky. I hope they don’t notice because that would make me feel worse, that I can’t even do my job properly on top of everything else.

I’m hear to please. Happy mask, perfect mask, clean mask!

Salutations

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I feel a bit like an alien, I have not written a blog post since 2012! So much has changed since then, within me, with what I’m doing, and yet trauma will always remain.

I’ve been struggling a lot recently and so I guess I should start talking about it to see if it helps me cope a bit better with life.

Maybe I should write here instead of self harming?! But I’m not even sure I deserve to write.

Well see how it goes!

Bang

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Bang goes my life.

The one thing I was clinging on to that was giving me hope has just been blown up in my face!

I was clinging on to being a police officer – and over the past few days Ive had contact a police officer that knows me extremely well, and he says, the police force is out of my reach due to my history.

Brilliant

Apart from that my body seems to like running to traffic at the moment! My mind is out of control!

AHTT are a pile of shite. My mental health team are a pile of shite. Lets hope these solicitors can save my life?!

Permantly fucked

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I dont really know how to feel.

Ive hardly slept.

Ive been on a massive high the past week, shopping, clubbing, partying, getting drunk, not needing to sleep. not being able to sit still. But I felt amazing with it, almost like I was on Ecstacy constantly, well what I would assume is like E.

Yesterday I said to myself – Im going to do this, Im going to get better, I dont deserve to be hurting over the things that have happened to me in my past, I dont deserve to be ill, Im not going to self harm or overdose ever again, Im not going to run away again Im going to stay positive and that I knew I would have bad days, but I would get through them. It felt magical. But I believed it!

Then I went out again last night with mates, and I started to feel rocky when it got to 2am, I felt a bit violent and angry and I didnt no what to do with that, some guy then starts bumping into my mate on purpose and shes on crutches so I turned round and kept pushing him until he left her alone, it was almost like the fight for survival. Then things go even more weirder and some guys kept trying to attract my attention to go over and see them, obviously I refused, Im not in this world to be drooled over, then this other guy says to my friend hell give her £10 if she gets me to dance dirty for him! I mean WHAT THE FUCK!! So I picked up a glass bottle which got taken off me, by bouncers, then my friends started to be concerned, and we left, then I picked up another bottle and they got a taxi home, So I just sit on a bench round the corner with a glass bottle by this time it was like 4am, some guy came up to me, and kept asking me to go with him, and that I could work for him, and I was a really beuatiful girl! So now I was being asked to be a prostitue for someone and if it wasnt for three other guys coming over and scaring him off, I get the feeling I would have been raped again? Because I couldnt move, I couldnt speak, I just froze with a fucking glass bottle in my hand. These 3 guys then got the police, and becuasse I had a glass bottle (weapon) it was armed response police so then I shit myself because they got guns! But they were really nice, he kept trying to talk to me (the police officer) I kept crying and shaking at the same time and he was trying to calm me down, and eventually I got in his car where he took me to the police station and I spoke to a female officer that was a complete wank stain! She was like I recognise your name, then she said something really innapropriate but I couldnt be bothered because it was 5am and I was tired and warn out and confused.

Im confused at how, all my life, men have abused me, raped me, men to me, all they want is one thing, and it nearlly happened again, but yet 3 guys practically saved me from that happening last night!

And why the fuck did I freeze infront of a guy that wanted to sell me, but yet that guy earlier in the night I kept pushing him, I dont get myself, unless it was the aclohol, because I am never ever violent, never have been!!

Now Im just sitting in my room, on the floor, with my blinds closed in the dark not wanting to move, not wanting to exist, feeling used and dirty, and hopeless of life, tired and looking as white as a ghost.

I dont know what to do apart from slit my wrists.

Yes you can all tell me what a slag I am now, but I needed to get that out. And seriously why if my friends were real friends did they leave me in that state on my own? She knows me, she knows what Im like, what I do what Im scared off, and she left.

Im trying to cope with the fact that I nearlly got raped again last night and no one acually gives a shit or thinks its a big deal. because it probably seems really petty.

I want Mel right now – she would understand and help me. She would get me out of this thought process. She always says the right thing, she knows what its like, shes been there.

So what the fuck do I do now??

#3

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I feel like running away permanently.

Like a do normally but I always get caught.

Just this time I would have to be more clever. Not text anyone. Not speak to anyone. Turn my phone off.

and just keep fucking walking.

Dissapear into the big wide world without a single trace.

Either that or top myself again. Im never going to have a life. Im never going to have the things I want out of life. Never going to be anything.